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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jack Handey's LiveJournal:

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Friday, April 1st, 2005
3:18 am
Hey there.
I just joined, simply because I'm whoring my journal out for other SNL fans. Almost no one (except my girlfriend) on my F-list watches the show which is somewhat disappointing. *grumbles*stupidmorningpeople*grumbles* So dude, hit me up. I need some people on my F-list who'll actually understand what a "Nooni" is. And before you even ask, yes, I'm madly in love with Weekend Update with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. My gf and I have this theory that they're lovers, although that's up for debate. But I digress.

Won't you be my neighbor?

X-posted, because I'm cool like that. And also, I just like to say "x-posted."
Monday, January 10th, 2005
11:48 pm
My deep thoughts
I was embarrassed when I ran into that guy on the sidewalk and knocked him down, but I felt better when I learned he was fleeing from a bank he'd just held up. But then I felt worse when I learned he only robbed the bank to pay for an operation for his sick little girl. But then I felt better when some rich guy heard about it and paid for the operation. But then I felt worse when I heard she died anyway. But then I felt better when I saw some lady's boob pop out of her shirt.

One way to get a free steak dinner is to keep sending it back, saying it's too rare. You take a bite each time, send it back, until it's gone. Then the restaurant is so embarrassed for screwing up so many times they don't charge you. One problem with this plan is the time factor, though, so I usually bring a steak in my pocket, and chew on it while the waiter isn't looking.
Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
11:28 am
this one always crack me up...
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."

-Jack Handy

Seriously, can't you just picture it so vividly in your head?
Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
10:15 am
I think a good idea would to be to always carry two large sacks. That way, if anyone asked you for help, you could just say, "sorry, got these two sacks".
Thursday, August 12th, 2004
10:04 pm
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank"and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head."Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

haha... Add me!!!

Current Mood: ecstatic
Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
11:11 pm
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist: "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are some peanuts. Then, when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.
Friday, May 7th, 2004
10:20 pm
Not from Jack Handy, but true, funny story nonetheless
My grandma woke up early one morning, shuffled into the kitchen and spotted a garter snake underneath her kitchen table. She grabbed her broom and swept the snake out the back door, down the back steps and into the yard. Later in the day, she headed out the back door to hang out some laundry out to dry, when she saw the same garter snake coming back up the steps. She grabbed a hoe from the garage and chopped the snake into pieces. "I gave that snake ONE chance," she later explained.
Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
11:05 pm
Deep Thoughts
Probably one of my favourites:

"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet? And also, you're drunk."
Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
3:13 pm
when you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. so while he was trying to decide, i drove by and splashed him again.
Sunday, March 28th, 2004
1:37 am
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.
Thursday, March 25th, 2004
1:11 am
I need some new LJ friends that aren't just people I know...

Add me! =)
Sunday, March 14th, 2004
6:18 pm
Jack Handey Quotes
Are there any jack handey quotes that are not in any of his books? Like if you read all his books, would you have read them all?
Thursday, March 4th, 2004
10:02 am
to me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. truth is real. and, at the same time, unreal. fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things i can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." this is truth, to me.
Friday, February 27th, 2004
10:56 pm
Deep Thoughts
The big, huge meteor headed towards Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor - through some kind of space warp or something. 'Go, Bob, go!' yelled one of the generals. 'Give me that!' said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. 'Listen, Bob' he said. 'You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth.' 'Yes, but how?' thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.
Monday, January 5th, 2004
3:57 pm
When I get married, I will call my husband "husband" I will say, "Husband, will you go to the store for me?" And then he would get mad and hit me or something, but hey, at least we got a good laugh.
Friday, December 26th, 2003
6:14 pm
a good one
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Current Mood: cheerful
Saturday, December 13th, 2003
11:03 am
the longest deep thought I've ever seen.....great though.
#389: I remember I was hammering on a fence in the backyard when Dad approached. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried. I continued to hammer as he came toward me. "Son," he said, "why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it." "Oh, I'm not using nails," I replied. "I'm just hammering." With that, I returned to my hammering. Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad. "I said, stop hammering!" he yelled. I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news. "Look," he said, "you can hammer later, but first-" Well, I didn't even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard "You can hammer," that's what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer dog. Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, 'cause that's the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and made me stop. "I'm afraid I have some news for you," he said. I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm's length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that's all. That apparently didn't make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field. And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that, I just couldn't take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me. "Son, come back!" yelled Dad. "What about your hammer?!" But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice. "As long as you're pounding, why not use this?" I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad's outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him. Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with drugs, I like to tell him this story.
Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
12:48 am
x posted
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

Tuesday, December 9th, 2003
10:04 pm
Just a few...
#399: One thing I always felt bad about was kicking Grandma in the head with my football shoes on. But what was her head doing right by the football like that? And how did the football get in her bed?

#442: I remember the time I asked Grandpa what he did in the war. At first he didn't say anything. Then he pulled a frozen T-bone steak from under his shirt. "I stole this," he said. "No," I said, "not the store, the war." He showed me a red mark on his stomach and said he was wounded, but I think it was from the T-bone.

#143: Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

#411: I'll never forget my first true love. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. From her dark, raven hair to her slender, yellow, scaly feet, she was all woman. She loved corn, and could eat it all day with her hard, yellowish lips. "Caw!" she would yell, as a joke, then flap her arms with delight. One day, she was sitting on a fence, and some guy shot her.
Thursday, December 4th, 2003
11:16 pm
some more of my own deep thoughts
I'm making these up as I go along, so forgive me if they kinda suck.

1. I heard in Mel Gibson's new movie about Jesus, he rips off "Braveheart." Right before Jesus dies on the cross, he screams out, "FREEEEEDOM!!!"

2. When Jesus rose from his tomb in that cave, did he bust the rock blocking the entrance with superhuman Jesus strength?

3. If you have a crush on a necrophiliac, the possum has much to teach you, friend.

4. You can fool some of the people some of time. But it's best to concentrate your fooling energies on the confused old man shuddering in the corner.

5. Farmer Phil wasn't your regular farmer. First of all, his "farm" consisted of his desk, with podiums and chairs throughout the room. There were no tractors on his "farm," just lawyers who argued their cases in front of him. Instead of overalls, he wore a robe. But like a regular farmer, he had the power to sentence men to death.

6. If you get lost in a forest at night, it's not a good idea to light a fire to find your way out. Duh! C'mon, what, did you think I'd suggest something stupid like that? Instead, start choppin' those trees down. No more forest = no more lost hikey boy.

OK, that last one was REALLY retarded. Sorry.
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